At some point you just have to talk about it….

So this week it was “world mental health day” and I’ve got to say it was inspiring reading so many stories of survivors.

Today has been a bit of a weird one for me, with the lack of concentration being at its maximum level.

I had my assessment for PTSD. I knew I had it, the first therapist I went to after my Mum passed away said I had it, but I didn’t want to deal with it at the time.

So the assessment, my problem is that I am a bit of a know it all, I’ve worked within substance misuse for a number of years and I know work in an acute hospital. So no therapist can tell me shit, I know about CBT, I know what you are going to tell me so why am I wasting my time.

Which made the therapist laugh and basically said that scoring 82 when under 30 was “normal” meant that maybe I needed to be less of a know it all and let her do her job.

I liked her, and hopefully she will continue with the journey to get better. I do better with someone I can joke about PTSD with.

Like the question about sleep? Apparently I haven’t slept in 18 months but hey I can come up with some great arguments with my boyfriend at 3am is not the correct answer.

When your mental health is bad, it can be the most scary thing you have ever faced. There has been times in my life where jumping in front of a bus would be easier to deal with then being in my own head.

But too get better, I need to talk about what has happened. I need to do the steps to get better or my life is going to be that of “that woman who had that fucked up shit happen to her now she is damaged”

I refuse to be defined by my poor mental health, I choose too be more than in. I refuse to let it break me.

So that’s it 3-6 months to wait to see a PTSD CBT therapist in the mean time I’ve got stuff to do.

H xxx